Overwhelmed with mess? Read this.
Sometimes we get so stuck trying to be Pinterest Perfect, we forget we are better than perfect with are real.
Real is dynamic and creative. That is my fancy way of saying life is messy and this shows up in our homes.
Even the media proclaimed queen of tidy, Marie Kondo, got real recently and admitted that having kids forced her to live in an untidy state.
Now, here is another truth, living in an untidy state can give us all sorts of anxiety. Two of my favorite content creators talk about this. @SteadyParents put out this reel about clutter outlining the sensory systems that get involved when things are cluttered. This sends our nervous system into overload. This is why it is so hard to think and focus when it is cluttered. @StruggleCare also does a lot of discussing the idea of getting over stimulated when it comes to clutter and what she calls “care tasks”. At around minute 26 of Episode 1 of her podcast, she goes into how she is gentile with herself in creating what she calls “rhythm”. What stands out to me about these creators is that they both have clinical licenses. @Struggle Care is a licensed therapist and @SteadyParents is a licensed occupational therapist. There is some real science behind the overwhelm that results from clutter.
For me, the best way to get through this overwhelm related to clutter is to develop systems that respond to our natural tendencies. This is very similar to what @StruggleCare discusses in episode 1 of her podcast.
This post is not about creating systems, but if you have not read my methods for creating systems, then you might want to review them for some context. In my previous posts about creating systems, I share very concrete strategies about how to create systems that honor your natural patterns:
Watch your own behavior, and use that to create a system. If you always put your coat on a certain chair, then put hook in that same area. You’re more likely to do something you already do.
If that doesn’t work, stack the new habit you want to have with one you already do have. For example, if you want to start cleaning the bathroom sink, do it while you brush your teeth.
This post, however, is much less concrete. It is more about developing a mindset that, like a clock, with strong systems in place, you will eventually get back to the project that need to be done. Thus, you can wrangle that damned feeling of overwhelm. You see, having a home management system is like telling time — the process is what is useful. There really is not product. It is a constant action.
Rather than think of a Pinterest Perfect ending, think of that rainbow that resets after a storm.
If you have a system, know that even if your home is not currently as decluttered or organized as you like, then you will get there in your system, or know that you will change your system to include this. For example, I declutter my taxes once a year, when I do my taxes. I start a new folder for the current year, and I throw out the oldest year. This way I always only have 7 years of tax records. I never worry that I will be inundated with papers because I know I have a system that is always at play.
When my son was born, I realized I needed to add a lot of systems to my home. He was constantly growing and changing, as such it felt I was constantly decluttering. I knew I needed to develop a system. On of the first systems I developed was with his clothes. He was (and is) constantly growing. I realized the best way for me to manage this was to have 12 boxes of clothes. 6 boxes are for the current size, and 6 boxes are for the next size up. When he outgrows the current size, I donate them, and I rotate in the new size. I then get the next size up. I’ve been through several cycles of this. It has been a real game changer. Again, I am rarely overwhelmed by his clothes because I am always in my system. I know that I ebb and flow, and eventually I will get back around to the state that works for me.
Second, remember that the reward is in working through the system. In working with clients, they often start out wanting everything to get organized and perfect, and when I am done working with them, they realize that the perfection is in the system and the process as much as it is in the final product.
In her book Better than Before Gretchen Rubin talks about the dangers of focusing on the reward:
Rewards can often undermine the habit. For example, she gives the example of eating cake after losing 10 lbs. In home management, too often we think, oh, we can just relax after decluttering a closet, but that is really when the work begins of ensuring that we do a little every time we open that closet to keep it orderly. The same way, we have to do the work to maintain weight-loos. The reward is having a process for the habit we are trying to maintain — whether it be maintaining our weight or maintaining our closet.
Rewards require a decision. The goal of a habit is to do it without thinking. If you’re focused on a reward, then you have to decide to walk towards the reward. Rather than just do it because that is what you do.
The final danger she discusses the danger of the finish line. As she points out, a finish line can be a helpful motivator, but it can also de-motivate because a finish line marks a finish line, and if we want to make something a habit, then there is no finishing it.
The most important part of creating a system is to change our mindsets to know that, like a clock always strikes noon, you will get there. Again, like a clock, you are working your system, and it will get better as long as you work it. Additionally, like using a clock, do your best to find usefulness, and even joy, in the very process of organizing and minimizing. Don’t stress out about the end result. In fact, focusing on the end result may inhibit you from maintaining your organizing and minimizing.
It is so easy to get stuck in the middle of the chaos in our homes. As @SteadyParents and @StruggleCare point out, it is almost biologically bound to happen. What I suggest here is by implementing systems, we can keep ourselves out of the storm of chaos. We can fall back on our habits and our natural tendencies while we work our way back to that rainbow.
Click here to take M.O.M.s system design workshop.
